For many years now I’ve struggled with one thing that I can not seem to shake.
Fear is completely contrary to all that I am, and all that I believe.
While I was doing my devotions this morning, I told the Lord that this fear I’ve been carrying around with me for all my adult life has got to go.
He’s actually been waiting for me to say that. I know that He has. It’s held me back from so much. Too much. It’s time for fear to exit.
As I was reading, writing and praying this morning, I had somewhat of a ‘vision’. I could see myself standing in a doorway.
We’ve all seen this type of doorway before. An open door that leads to a great big wide open space. A space with no ground, no floor before you, to step out onto.
Just a great big wide open space of nothing, a big wide space of unknown.
A space where you just know that one of two things is going to happen.
Either you’re going to step into that big space, and you’re going to fall. Fall fall fall far far far, and fall flat onto your face.
You’re going to have to learn how to fly.
That’s where I’m at today. I’m standing at the door, peering out into the wide wide open space, teetering on deciding whether to make that step, take that leap.
Will I be able to fly?
The first thing I had to do, the first thing before I could even step up to that open door, was to put down fear. Fear is much too heavy a burden to carry if you expect to fly.
Fighting fear is never a pretty battle. The struggle can last a good long while. I’ve been struggling with fear for the past 26 years, more even.
Fear of failure as a wife. Fear of failure as a mother. Fear of failure as a homeschooler. Fear of failure… as a child of God.
This is honestly my biggest fear. I struggle with this fear SO much that I often (very often) hide from even sharing my faith because I’m so certain that I will simply fail one day, and that when I fall, I will be the cause of others falling with me. I don’t want to lead others to fall with me. Especially not my family. I have five children. Who wants to be responsible for 5 children falling?!
So I take the easy route, the safe route, and I’ve spent 26 years staying far far away from that wide open door that leads out into the great big unknown.
I’ve stood strong, and I’ve stood still, hanging onto this great big burden of fear with everything that is in me.
I’ve done very well for myself, and even for my family, while clinging onto fear. But I know that there’s even so much more, so so much more.
Today, I let go. I wish I could say I THREW it down!
But no, that’s not me.
I let go, but I let go slowly… unstrapping it from my back and my shoulders one strap at a time… setting down the burden of fear… stepping away backwards… slowly edging away from the fear and edging closer to that door…
I knew I had to turn around and look away from the fear. because if I didn’t, then I’d surely fall. One simply can not step through the door backwards.
I need to be facing forwards, looking, and searching for guidance, rather than looking behind me, wishing I could run back to fear and cling to it forever.
I’m asking God to help me. I want today to be the day that I remain strong, stay turned around and head straight through that door.
Head straight through that open door and leap.
If you’re up for it, stick around.
The future could be a train wreck you won’t want to miss.
Or… maybe… just maybe…
You’ll see me learn to fly.