Category Archives: The Heart of This Woman

  • So often when I have lots to say, I say nothing.

    So much to talk about lately, yet I sit here day after day saying nothing. I don’t know why that is? Too much on my mind perhaps to make sense of any of it?

    Not sure.

    Regardless, I don’t like being silent, so I figured it was about time I say at least something on the blog. So, you’ll have to forgive me if my writing seems random lately.

    It’s October 6th. My husband left on July 31st. It’s been a long time since I, or my children, have had a hug from “Daddy”. I’m trying not to let it drive me insane.

    Some days that’s harder then others.

    I’ve been working lately on bettering myself as a parent, as a mother. Without my husband here, I figure now is as good a time as any to concentrate on my relationships with my children. The main area I’ve been working on is ‘anger’ (grumpiness).

    I’ve often read that what is in the heart comes out of the mouth. I’ve been thinking on this a lot lately. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around angry all the time, BUT, I do struggle at times with anger and I have to ask myself WHY? What is in my heart, that is causing my mouth to speak ‘angrily’? At all? Ever?!

    The times I struggle with anger most is when I am at my weakest. When I am over tired, or during pms (this is the ABSOLUTE worst time), etc. When I am weak, it is difficult to fight feelings of anger. To fight off the ‘grumpies’. I know getting grumpy is ‘normal’ but I don’t like it, and I’m not one to settle for ‘normal’ anyways.

    So, I’m working on myself, towards the goal of being a better mother. So the grumpiness has GOT TO GO! I can honestly say I’m fairly happy with myself as a person, as a mother, but I hate raising my voice. HATE it. My children hate it too. I raise my voice is when I’m feeling angry/grumpy.

    I’m going to practice speaking nicely. I’m TRYING to make a point of speaking as kindly, warmly, and gently as I would speak to anyone else. Isn’t it awful that so often we’ll speak less kindly to our own family members, those who are MOST important to us, then we will to strangers on the street? Or is that just me? Just our family? Is everyone else out there speaking kindly and gently to their children & spouses? Some how, I don’t think we’re the only family who struggles in this area.

    As a mother, one of my main goals in my mothering has been to never expect more from my children, then I expect from myself.

    In other words, I strive not to be a hypocrite:

    1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs,
    principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess,
    especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
    2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude,
    especially one whose private life, opinions,
    or statements belie his or her public statements.

    So… this means I can NOT tell my children to speak kindly to one another, yet not practice the same thing myself! It’s a good thing to work on while hubby and I are apart. My children deserve the best mother I can possibly give them!

  • 21 years ago we were married.

    Today we celebrate our anniversary, apart, for the very first time since we got married 21 years ago.

    However, it’s our anniversary regardless, and last last night I received an Happy Anniversary text from my dear hubby while he was at work. He’s working the 6pm to 6am shift this week.

    Last year, we went away for two nights to celebrate our 20th anniversary. To a resort that had a 2 night special, it was awesome.

    This was our view last year.

    This was our room.

    This is where we walked.

    It was wonderful.

    What I wouldn’t give to celebrate our anniversary together today.

    For now, we have our memories to hold us over until we are together again.

    ? Happy Anniversary Graydon! ? Love you, miss you MUCH! ?

  • A photo

    I had to share a photo.

    My husband was at the house/farm we’ve got our offer in on, for the inspection yesterday.

    During the inspection, they found this:


    I’ve drooled over these for over TWENTY years.

    It would look absolutely beautiful restored, along with my hosier cabinet which has sadly been stored in our workshop the past few years while having the house on the market.

    I love antiques.

    When this photo suddenly appeared on my phone from my husband, during the time I knew he was at the farm for the inspection, I almost cried.

    Fine, fine, I admit it. I did cry. I’m not one to shed tears easily, so it’s rather embarrassing…

    So many things are uncertain in our lives right now.

    Yet another potential buyer found fault with our property this week and put an offer in elsewhere. We’ve all been feeling very disheartened since that news, again. It’s so overwhelmingly difficult at times to keep our hopes up. This has been going on for a few years now. That’s a long time.

    Yet, as things feel like they keep falling apart here in BC, over a 1000 miles away in Sask where my husband is, everything continues to seemingly be falling perfectly into place. The above surprise, was the only surprise during the inspection. So yet another item crossed off our list as we try to get ourselves moved over there.

    So, we continue to hope that all is not lost.

    We have a couple of weeks left to sell our property here before it begins to get too late.

    Too late for the offer we put in, and too late to move ourselves, and our animals (mainly the horses), through the rockies. Winter is coming once again.

    We have a couple of weeks before we really ‘need’ to worry.

    Worry. Something I keep trying my very very best NOT to do.

    So when I saw that photo, the old cookstove, the EXACT style I’ve alwasy admired, in such WONDERFUL condition, and even working, I had to fight tears, and I couldn’t help but think…
    maybe, just maybe, this was yet another little piece falling into place?

  • It’s been awfully quiet here on the blog

    I’ve posted before that when I don’f feel like talking much, it’s usually because my mood isn’t exactly the greatest. It’s not that my mood has been ‘bad’… just ‘off’. Not my usual ‘upbeat’ self.

    Yesterday marked 7 weeks since my husband left. I guess that means today marks FIFTY days.

    I fully understand it’s quite boring to read/hear about our hopes and dreams and all of it taking so long to come to fruition. I fully understand some think we’re just plain old nuts, or even… stupid not very smart, for continuing to even try to make these dreams a reality when it’s already been SO LONG.
    Often I just choose to be quiet for a while rather then constantly repeating my whining process.

    But, the fact is, my husband has been gone for 7 weeks, and neither I, nor our children, have seen him in much too long a time. It may not be so bad if we actually had any inkling at all as to how long this is all going to take before we actually DO see him again, but we don’t know, we have no clue, so we simply wait, and wait, and hope, and… continue to wait.

    And waiting seems to have become my new hobby.

    So I’m trying to learn patience. Obviously something I haven’t mastered yet.

    I suppose it may have something to do with the fact that we’re celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary this week, and we’ll be celebrating apart. It was bad enough that we had to celebrate our eldest daughters 20th birthday last month, apart. Now an anniversary too?

    Ahhh…. life. Ain’t it grand some times?

    But then I remind myself, that it’s still life, and I am thankful for life, so I must stop thinking and feeling negatively, but some days that’s harder then others.

    I’ll try and keep my chin up though.

    I haven’t even shared about our ducklings on the blog yet! I’ll need to upload some photos soon but I’ve been so busy with trying to get all our custom orders finished and out the door (just in case we sell soon, you know, it could happen… I’d hate to have custom orders lingering over my head while packing…) and trying to keep everything spotless for house showings, and driving kids to work. And of course keeping the younger three busy with school and non-mess-making activities (which is proving to be IMPOSSIBLE, you don’t want to see my dinningroom/living room right now. It looks like a barbie bus and legoland exploded in there…) 

    But life goes on, and overall, life is good, and today, I’ll choose to dwell on that!

    And in the meantime, here’s a peek at BamBam & Pepples.

  • The waiting game, in pregnancy, and in life, continued.

    This is a continuation of my post from yesterday, found here:

    When The Ice Storm of 1998 hit our area, and hit it hard, we found ourselves without power. We lived like this for days. My sister, her husband and her two children were visiting us from British Columbia at the time, making things even more trying since not only did we need to think about our own family of four and the birth of our upcoming babe, but we also had guests to consider through it all.

    We stayed at home as long as possible. Trying to find ways to keep warm. We had a wood furnace, but the fan for the furnace was powered through electricity, so unless that fan was going, no heat was getting into the actual house. Neighbours pulled together and helped one another. We had lots of wood which we shared with neighbours, another neighbour had a cookstove and shared some food, etc.. It really was actually quite a nice time of ‘bonding’, as disasters tend to be.

    After several days without heat, power, & water, I can’t remember any longer just how many days, Graydon’s (my husband) cousin invited us to come stay in their home. They had a wood stove, and a propane stove/oven and were fairing out better then we were. To open their home to us, AND my sister’s family was such a HUGE blessing.

    To top it all off, their neighbour, whom I also knew casually through our children’s social activities, had not just heat but hot water too! That evening, because this neighbour knew I was pregnant, overdue, and very big and uncomfortable and had been without water and heat for DAYS, invited me to come on over and have a nice hot bath! I was ELATED!

    This was Saturday evening, 7:00 pm to be exact. My scheduled induction/c-section was marked down for first thing Monday morning.

    After my nice hot bath, just like that, I went into labour.

    It was time to find our way, through the icy roads (we were in the middle of an ice storm! The Great Ice Storm!), from our rural town to the nearest hospital.

    Thankfully, we made it!

    However, the hospital had minimal staff, minimal power (generator) AND the doctor on call that night REFUSED to let me try and birth this breech baby.


    It was either have a c-section right then or there, or find some other doctor, somewhere else, to help deliver this baby.

    We’ve never been ones to take the ‘easy’ way. We opted for another doctor, in the city, over an hour away, (in GOOD weather) in the opposite direction. If we wanted an ambulance, it was going to take at least a couple of hours of waiting for one to be free because of The Ice Storm.

    We said “goodbye, we’ll take it from here.” They said “good luck with that!”

    And away we went, to Kingston General, a teaching hospital.

    At the time it was one of the scariest decisions we ever made. My first two babies had been birthed in a matter of 4 hours, then 2 hours, of hard labour. I had already been in labour for several hours, and now we had a long, tedious, and dangerous, drive ahead of us all the way to the nearest large city hospital.

    However, it also turned out to be one of the best decisions we ever made.

    When we arrived at the hospital, the doctor on call who had already agreed to let me try and birth this baby breech, had been alerted and was ready and waiting for us.

    He was one of the nicest doctors I have ever met. A no BS kind of man, with a gentle side. He explained that he was more then happy to let me try and birth this baby, however, they were a teaching hospital and since breech births were so rare these days, would I consent to any, and all, interns to be present during the birth of my baby.

    He also wanted to know if I would consent to an epidural, so my body would be ready, just in case something went wrong and an emergency c-section would be required to save the baby, or myself.

    Yes! Yes! and Yes! I agreed to all of these things!

    I was SO happy that I was being given the chance to at least TRY to birth this baby breech, that I didn’t care WHO was there to witness it! I actually felt proud knowing that if this birth was successful, having these interns be a part of it all, may even help them be brave enough to allow another woman to at least TRY to birth a breech baby in the futureof their careers.

    I had come up against SO many walls with this! I wanted to do anything to help other women have it a little easier, if they were to experience the same thing.

    When I had first gone into labour, it was 7pm Saturday evening. By the time we had arrived at the first hospital, I believe it was about 9pm. After the discussions there, and then the subsequent very slow, very cautious drive to the city hospital, we arrived around 2am Sunday.

    Elisabeth Grace was born into this world, breech, at 8am Sunday morning, exactly 24 hours before she was scheduled to be born via c-section. The doctor informed me afterwards that he had given me until 8:15, if she hadn’t been born by then, it would have been time for a c-section. It had simply begun to take too long.

    It was not easy, and there were some consequences. She swallowed some meconium during the birth. This isn’t unusual with a baby coming out the wrong end first! Because of this, she had to be whisked away to ICU for a couple of hours. The hardest couple of hours of my life. I was so angry with the nurse as she kept trying to take my baby away while I had hoped so much that for once, just once, I would be able to nurse one of my babies straight from the womb!

    The first two had been whisked off by nurses as well. I had wanted things to be different this time. But alas, Elsa was taken away and I was left without a baby, wondering what was going on.

    After being monitored for a couple of hours, she was finally brought back to me, where she would stay from that point on.

    The two of us spent the rest of The Great Ice Storm cozy in a warm city hospital, with warm food, warm blankets, and time to get to know one another.

    The time that I had spent waiting for Elsa to finally be born, a birth that everyone and their uncle predicted would happen at LEAST four weeks earlier, was the very longest, drawn out, emotionally exhausting, time of my life.

    During that time, I learned so much about myself, about my faith, about my emotions, my body, my strengths, and even my weaknesses, then I had ever learned in the 26 years of my life before she was born.

    After Elsa was born, and the anguishing wait was FINALLY over, I swore that I would never, ever, allow myself to become that mentally and emotionally exhausted and drained ever again. I told myself, my husband, and God Himself, that if I ever, EVER had to wait for ANYTHING, EVER again in my life, I would do it with much more GRACE, and more importantly, patience, then I exhibited while awaiting Elsa’s birth.

    And I succeeded!

    Until now.

    The waiting game we are playing right now, has succeeded in just about beating me. This waiting, and wondering, when & sometimes even IF, our home will ever sell?!
    And wondering WHEN will our family ever be together once again?!

    Well… it’s humbled me to the point of realizing, I really never, EVER, EVER, should have said, “never again”.

  • The waiting game, in pregnancy, and in life.

    Our first child, Alesia, was born on her exact due date. I read that only 4% of ALL babies are born on their due dates. She also came fairly fast. I was ‘in’ labour for about 24 hours, but only any real hard labour for the last 4 hours.

    When our second child was born, our only son Joshua, he surprisingly came 10 days early! That was a real nice surprise because I was far enough along in my pregnancy that he wasn’t “too” early, and he was born at a nice healthy size. My labour this time was about 12 hours, with 2 hours of hard labour..

    When I was pregnant with our third child, Elisabeth (Elsa), everyone and their uncle, would ask me if I went on time, early, or late with my first two. So I’d always tell them I was right on time with Alesia, and 10 days early with Josh. EVERYONE and their uncle would always reply with, “Oh, then you’ll DEFINITELY go early with this one!”

    Don’t ever, EVER, tell a pregnant woman that she will deliver her baby early.


    I mean it, don’t EVER do it.

    By week 40 I was not just due, but I was due with a BREECH baby.

    By week 41, my doctor was putting on a lot of pressure to book a c-section. I did NOT want a c-section. I knew birthing a breech baby was going to be difficult, but I was still hoping against all hope, that maybe, just maybe, she would do a sudden last minute flip flop and I’d be delivering her as easily, and as naturally, as I had delivered my first two children.

    My doctor also made me sign a waiver not holding him responsible for my pregnancy going past 40 weeks. I was fine with that. I was completely fine with being completely responsible for MY baby, and MY body, thank you very much!

    He also booked me in for a c-section scheduled at week 42 and 1 day. End of discussion. If I did not deliver by then, if I did not go into labour on my own by the end of my 42nd week, he was NOT going to allow me to go any further. I was agreeable to that. As much as I was determined to give my baby, and my body, the chance to do this, I was also not into pushing things past certain limits. I agreed that if I had not gone into labour by the time I was 42 weeks and 1 day, yes, we would go ahead and do things his way.

    An induction and possible subsequent c-section was booked for January 12th, 1998.

    If you live anywhere in the vacinity of Ontario, Canada, whether it be IN Ontario, or across the US border in New York State, etc., you may just remember Januaury 1998.

    If you do not remember January 1998, let me refresh your memory, because I’m quite sure even if you do not, or did not, live in those areas of Canada and the US, you did indeed hear some news about January 1998.

    It was called The Great Ice Storm of 1998.
    Canadians had never before endured a natural disaster like the ice storm of 1998. A difficult morning of car scraping quickly turned into a state of emergency  

    The ice storm, happened the week/days before my scheduled c-section.

    At that time we lived in the fairly rural, small town of Athens Ontario. Being 20-25 minutes away from the nearest hospital doesn’t seem so far away, until you go into labour, with a breech baby, in the middle of The Great Ice Storm.

    This post is getting MUCH too long. I shall continue tomorrow!

  • The winds of change…

    There are changes a coming.
    2011 has been a year of many changes for our family, and for this business. It’s been a year driven by survival. It’s been tiring, and trying, physically and emotionally. It’s also been one of many, many, mixed emotions. A mix of survival, and of blessings.

    During this time, I’ve had it said to me,
    “Be thankful your business can support your family!”

    Believe me, NO one is more thankful then I.

    However, there are realities in life.

    First reality, I am just one person.

    Second reality, I am not just a business woman, first and foremost, I am a wife and mother to five. A homeschooling mother at that.

    When I am on my death bed one day, hopefully many, many, years from now, I won’t be found saying, “wow, I sure wish I had spent more time on my business…”

    I’ve spent plenty of time on my business. Much more time then any wife and mother should, for too long anyways.

    For a season, things have needed to be this way. As a wife and mother, my financial help needed to be very great for our family to survive.

    However, if things were to continue upon the path they have been heading, I will be at the end of my life one day, I will look back and say, “I sure wish I had put my priorities in place, and kept my family FIRST.” By then, it would be too late!

    *Julia helping to sort instock pads.

    I don’t want my children to remember me only as the woman who always made enough money to feed them and keep a roof over their heads.

    I want my children to look back and say, “no matter how difficult things got, or how hard mom needed to work, she ALWAYS made time for us.”

    I am VERY thankful this business has done, and continues to do, SO well.

    Those of you who have followed us along, know that my husband has landed a truly wonderful job as an engineer! This has been a HUGE blessing. Even if he IS 2000 miles away, at least our family is headed in the right direction. He’s just gotten there ahead of us.

    For the past 8 years or so, my husband has been self employed, as I am. For a few years things were actually going fairly well. Things seemed VERY good. Both his business, and my business, were growing

    However, at one point, our gov’t here in BC implemented a new tax. This tax affected my husband’s business quite immediately, and all business came to a halt.

    Times became VERY difficult for our family.

    Last winter my husband headed to the oil fields for work. He was gone three months, and then the work was over. He was there just long enough to get our heads back above water again. We kept hoping when he got back in spring that things would change, work would come in, and some did. A job here, and a job there, just enough to eek through, along with my income. We’ve been hobbling along. This put a lot of stress on each one of  us. Not just my husband and I, but our kids too.

    Some may feel it’s not good for the kids to know what’s going on in the finances of the family, but that’s just not how we do things. Our kids ARE this family, as much as my husband and I are this family. They are involved in every aspect of everything we do. We are a family unit, not individuals living individual lives under one roof. We are a family unit, living together, while still keeping our individual personalities.

    *Shaylah making cookies

    If you’re a fan of Little House on the Prairie, you may remember when times became tough, and the family pulled together to get through it all.

    I can proudly say we’ve been there, done that, that is the Homestead Emporium family.

    Mind you, I’m not like Ma with a constant quiet demeanor and positive attitude. My husband isn’t like Pa, playing the fiddle to work out his frustrations. We both get grumpy and stressed, and our passion shows not just in the good work we do, but in our stress levels too.

    Our children don’t run barefoot to the fishing hole, read their Bibles every night and never say a mean word to one another. They get stressed out too, get downright grumpy with each other, and bicker, even with us parents (or now, with my husband gone, with ME!)

    graydon, julia
    *Graydon cutting out VersaPads.

    However, no matter how ‘real’ this family of mine may be, I can not stress enough how blessed I am by each one of them. My husband, when his work has been slow and mine needed to pick up, was there to help me while he was home. Even when we would argue over how things should be done, or why there wasn’t enough money that week to pay such and such a bill, we remained focused and reminded ourselves, and each other, that this is a SEASON.

    *Elsa snipping threads on finished products.

    No matter how stressed our kids got, or how much we might bicker, if a load of hay needed to be bought for the horses, or even if we were short on the funds to pay the mortgage, our children stepped up to the plate and offered to help where ever, and how ever, they could.

    Whether it was through funds from their own jobs, helping in the business by cutting extra stock, or simply by doing extra house cleaning (still working on HOW to get them to clean without being asked… lol), they pitched in. And continue to do so.

    *Joshua helping make dinner.

    I have never been so humbled, as I have been these past couple of years.

    And honestly, that is probably the biggest blessing of all of this. Even though it also hurts, a lot. My true colors have shown through these trying times and not every color I am is always pretty. We won’t speak to my kids about mommy stressed out during pms time… let’s just say, a little over the edge.

    *Alesia baking

    All this to say (and I realize this is very long… blog posts should not be this long… call me a rebel…) there will be some changes coming to the Homestead Emporium.

    My biggest goal for this shop is to never get burnt out, instead to keep it growing slow and steady! This shop was begun not just for myself, but for my family. As a help, not a hinderance. This shop is a VERY LONG TERM goal.

    However, this shop can not RUN this family, the family must run IT.

    And that’s where the changes will be taking place!

    So stay tuned, and in the meantime, I thank you GREATLY for your continued support! We ALL thank you!
    You’ll never know how much it’s meant to each of us, not just me, but my husband and my children too. To read your heart warming stories of making it through your own difficult times, and the prayers and support that has been sent our way. Each time one of you takes time out of YOUR busy lives to drop us a line,  it has REALLY helped!

    Thank you.  

  • Plastic surgery- how about loving oneself, just the way you are?

    I shared not too long ago that I had watched some episodes of Real Housewives.

    In one of the shows (I’m thinking it was probably Beverly Hills) one of the women spoke about how it’s pretty much expected that you have plastic surgery. Actually, I don’t think she even said ‘pretty much’, I think she simply said that it’s expected.

    While I firmly believe that each person should do with their own body as they feel best, I do get pretty perturbed (to put it quite mildly) about all the ‘expectations’ put out there on women, now, more then ever.

    Then today, someone shared this link on facebook:–emma-thompson-and-kate-winslet-are-forming-an-anti

    The article says that three actresses, Rachel Weisz, Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet are forming an anti-plastic surgery league.

    I’m not sure just how ‘true’ that is (the actual league bit), but I am more then thrilled to see some Hollywood ‘glam’ standing up for a woman’s right to simply age gracefully!

    Why is it that we seem to think a woman with poofed up lips (and boobs) is so much prettier then one with a few laugh lines around her eyes and breasts that are proud to have nursed children, and possibly sagging some because of it? (FIVE babes in my case, I can roll’em up and stuff’em in, and I’m darn proud of it!)

    I especially appreciated this part:

    And Rachel Weisz raises a point that I think we can all get behind: “People who look too perfect don’t look sexy or particularly beautiful.”


    I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

    And what I’d like to know, is who gets to deem who as pretty, sexy or beautiful anyways?
    Why is it we’ve stooped so low as to allow anyone to have that particular right?

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Let’s not forget that truth! 

    And with that, I’m going to share one last time that we have a contest still ongoing, which I will be closing this weekend. This is YOUR chance to win one of TWO free gift certificates for $20.00 in our shop! FREE!

    So come join in on the fun! Surely there are some more brave women out there! All you have to do is snap a photo of yourself, and share. Let’s show the world we’re beautiful, and PROUD of it!



  • Week one with hubby away

    Week one with hubby away is over, we made it, we survived.

    I knew we would, but my sanity was a little touch and go there for a couple of days…

    This new job, this whole move he had to make to begin the job, just happened so fast and it was so HUGE, that for the very short 10 days from the time he found out he had the job, to the day he left… well I just lived in my lala land of denial and told myself I’d “deal” with it all later.

    Well I didn not “deal” with it all that well.

    I have however, dealt with it now.

    I saw something posted on facebook last week that was so very fitting for me.

    So… life is tough, cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

    Yep, that was me but not anymore, I’m done crying a river, I’m building my bridge and I’m getting over it.

    And how could I not? This job my husband landed is a REALLY great job! He’s done a full week’s shift, and loves it! It’s where he belongs, it’s right.

    This future that stands before us, is a really great future!

    Sure, maybe that future, and my husband, is 1242 miles away (but who’s counting right?) But at least we have a future to look forward to, right?

    When thoughts like, “you’ve been trying to sell this darn property for years now, what makes you think it’ll sell NOW?!” keep popping into my head, I keep shoving them down and carry on with building that darn bridge!

    Things fell into place so quickly, and so perfectly, for my husband to land this job, that we MUST believe it’s all meant to be. We DO believe it’s all meant to be.

    My prayer these past weeks has been, “I believe, help me with my unbelief!”

    And we must continue to trust.

    To have Faith.

    I think mine has been tested.

    I’m real good at helping OTHERS keep faith, stay strong. That’s what often keeps ME going. Helping my chidlren and my husband, keep faith, helps me stay strong.

    Yet, here I am now, without my husband and my faith is being tested. BIG TIME.

    BUT, I know, that I know, that I know, it’ll all be good…

    In the meantime, this blog is about business as well and that’s another thing that’s had me close to the breaking point this week. I have SO much to do to get caught up. WE had so much to do in the ten days before my husband left that I fell behind in business.Well I was still taking care of business, there was taxes to be done, and paper work needing to be taken care of, plus I did keep sewing, and I did keep going, it just wasn’t enough along side everything else! I HATE falling behind in business. I’ve never really fallen behind in business in all these years! This will teach me NEVER to say that again.

    I don’t do well with the stress of being behind I’m not accustomed to it. I can usually “make it work!” and “get’er done!”. Pretty much no matter what!

    So, I’ve been making lists, checking them off, working through them even when it takes me to wee hours in the morning after taking care of my other daily duties with the homestead & our children.

    I NEED to get caught up, and quickly! I won’t be able to shake this ‘stressed out’ feeling until I do.

    So, that’s what I’ve been doing this past week, and what I’m continuing to do this weekend. Get caught up!

    In the meantime, I thank you all, my customers for standing by our family, for having patience, and for cheering us on. I thank my friends and family for the support you’ve given us all.

    I’m forever grateful, especially to those of you who have taken the time to write. I know we’re all busy, life is busy, so it means a lot to me, and to my family, when you go above and beyond and take a moment to let us know you’re thinking of us.
    I appreciate it, we appreciate it, greatly!

    So, to you all, I say, thank you!

  • I’ve locked myself in my room

    And told the kids to pretend I’m not home.

    I feel so incredibly grumpy that I just don’t want to risk ‘biting’ their heads off.

    For days I’ve had this constant battle going on inside my head. The closer we get to my husband leaving, the worse it gets and the harder it is to WIN that battle.

    I even battled about whether I should write. I hate being ‘depressing’. HATE it. Abhor it is probably not a strong enough word for how much I don’t like to be a ‘downer’.

    However, this is my life right now, and this is my blog. 

    We met with our realtor yesterday, and then again today. Yesterday to hash out a new game plan. I asked him what sells a home in this market lately, because if it’s just price, well… if we drop the realtor, we can drop 20 grand immediately and never see a difference in OUR bottom line.

    I think that got some thought juices flowing. He suggested that he put some ads into local horse mags/websites etc..

    Yes, how about you do that.

    Today he brought over papers to “unlist” the house and then to “re-list” it again as a new listing. We’re trying, anything, we need this hobby farm to sell. NOW.

    I told him I do NOT want to sit here all winter while my husband, and the father of our five children, is 2000 km’s away living alone in a trailer, in a campground.

    However… I know I have no control over this.

    And THAT is what’s driving me insane. THAT is what is causing this great battle inside my head.

    I think about how pissed (not a strong enough word right now but this is a family friendly site) I am that after all this time we still sit here. Waiting.

    Then I counteract that thought in my head with, “But you’re so blessed that Graydon finally has a GREAT job!”

    And I know this is true. So I carry on, feeling better yet again.

    Then I start to feel so very disappointed that we’ve even gotten this far. TWO days until my husband leaves, until he MOVES to Saskatchewan, and we haven’t a single CLUE as to what’s going to happen on this end.

    And I feel sad again, angry even.

    Then I look at my children, and realize how blessed I am, and think, “who do you think you are to feel SORRY for yourself!??”

    And so the battle continues. It goes on and on until I’m hiding in my bathroom because I can’t stand the thought of the children seeing my tears.

    Hiding from my husband because I know he’ll be upset by my sadness. I fear writing this because I know he’ll read it, and then he’ll know how I really feel.

    I don’t want to make things harder on him. Yet at the same time, I don’t want him thinking it’s so easy for me to just say “goodbye”.

    It’s not. I HATE this.

    But it’s time to remind myself, yet again, that I am blessed. That this time may just be for a short time. I may be worrying, fretting, feeling sad, feeling angry, for naught. So I will try not to worry. I will continue to battle these thoughts and feelings and carry on.

    Because it’s all I can do right now to keep from falling apart.