So much to talk about lately, yet I sit here day after day saying nothing. I don’t know why that is? Too much on my mind perhaps to make sense of any of it?

Not sure.

Regardless, I don’t like being silent, so I figured it was about time I say at least something on the blog. So, you’ll have to forgive me if my writing seems random lately.

It’s October 6th. My husband left on July 31st. It’s been a long time since I, or my children, have had a hug from “Daddy”. I’m trying not to let it drive me insane.

Some days that’s harder then others.

I’ve been working lately on bettering myself as a parent, as a mother. Without my husband here, I figure now is as good a time as any to concentrate on my relationships with my children. The main area I’ve been working on is ‘anger’ (grumpiness).

I’ve often read that what is in the heart comes out of the mouth. I’ve been thinking on this a lot lately. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around angry all the time, BUT, I do struggle at times with anger and I have to ask myself WHY? What is in my heart, that is causing my mouth to speak ‘angrily’? At all? Ever?!

The times I struggle with anger most is when I am at my weakest. When I am over tired, or during pms (this is the ABSOLUTE worst time), etc. When I am weak, it is difficult to fight feelings of anger. To fight off the ‘grumpies’. I know getting grumpy is ‘normal’ but I don’t like it, and I’m not one to settle for ‘normal’ anyways.

So, I’m working on myself, towards the goal of being a better mother. So the grumpiness has GOT TO GO! I can honestly say I’m fairly happy with myself as a person, as a mother, but I hate raising my voice. HATE it. My children hate it too. I raise my voice is when I’m feeling angry/grumpy.

I’m going to practice speaking nicely. I’m TRYING to make a point of speaking as kindly, warmly, and gently as I would speak to anyone else. Isn’t it awful that so often we’ll speak less kindly to our own family members, those who are MOST important to us, then we will to strangers on the street? Or is that just me? Just our family? Is everyone else out there speaking kindly and gently to their children & spouses? Some how, I don’t think we’re the only family who struggles in this area.

As a mother, one of my main goals in my mothering has been to never expect more from my children, then I expect from myself.

In other words, I strive not to be a hypocrite:

hyp·o·crite
1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs,
principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess,
especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude,
especially one whose private life, opinions,
or statements belie his or her public statements.

So… this means I can NOT tell my children to speak kindly to one another, yet not practice the same thing myself! It’s a good thing to work on while hubby and I are apart. My children deserve the best mother I can possibly give them!