Every year once Christmas is over and the new year approaches, I begin to dwell on the past 12 months. This past year, 2011, has proven to be one like none other in this family’s history.
Graydon (dear hubby) has spent EIGHT months of the past twelve working away. In our 21.5 years of marriage, we’ve never spent time apart, except for the very rare occasion one of us might have to go away somewhere. Daddy has always home each night to snuggle and give goodnight kisses to each of the kids. In 21 years of marriage, I’ve rarely slept alone. This past year, this change, has been a whole new experience. An experience I’m proud to say we’ve come through fairly well, yet, an experience I don’t really care to continue.
I’m praying, with ALL my heart, that 2012 will indeed bring our family back together again.
I’m the type of person who ponders. I ponder a lot. I probably ponder too much.
With our children growing like weeds and seemingly getting older by the day, this time apart bothers me in more ways then simply not being together under one roof.
It bothers me in many ways. It bothers me that our eldest is now TWENTY, and I know there isn’t going to be THAT many more years, even months, of living together all as a family, yet here we are, our family living apart.
It bothers me that our youngest, our twins, are now TWELVE, and as my husband said the last night he was here, there may not be so many more years left of snuggling before they go to bed at night.
Elsa’s almost 14 now and already doesn’t care much to ‘snuggle’ anymore. Alesia and Joshua were done with snuggling years ago. Time just passes much too quickly. Twelve year olds need their Daddy. Heck, 18 year old boys need their dad too. This is NOT a time I want to be apart, solo parenting five ‘almost grown up’ children!
And I ponder that, often: Time passes MUCH too quickly.
I’ve always known this. When my husband and I became engaged, we decided together that he would not remain in the Navy, but instead he would finish out his 3 year term and then we’d marry the week he was ‘out’. We didn’t want to live our married life separated by a career. We never wanted it to be about “money”. Yet, when you come to a point in life where there’s not enough money, sometimes you’ve just got to do what you’ve got to do. No matter how much you don’t want to.
And here we are, 21 years later, living exactly 1,161 miles/ 1,870 km’s, apart. He’s living in Saskatchewan, and the five kids and I are on Vancouver Island. This just isn’t the way we pictured our lives to ever be.
Yet, it is what it is. So many are not living their lives the way they expected. Hard economic times have changed many a life’s course. Why should we be so special that nothing in our lives would ever change?
Yet at the same time, as I ponder the negative feelings I have about this whole situation, I also know there are many positives. I know that we have hope. Hope of a brighter future. Hope of a move for our whole family, to the prairies where we can begin again, together. Hopefully where land, and more importantly, jobs are plentiful. Where the cost of homes is less then an arm and a leg (and sometimes your first born thrown in for good measure!)
We hope for a future with a slower pace, more time to spend with children.
It seems so ironic to me some times, that we’re living apart, in hopes to spend more time as a family. And then again I remind myself that this is a ‘season’.
I’m a “now” person, always have been, and this whole situation just… throws me.
Throws me from what I feel our reality should be. Throws me from all that I’ve always believed.
Yet through it all, there IS peace. There IS strength.
Surely not my own though. Most days I’m really feeling quite weak, quite stressed, and quite frankly, at the end of my rope.
However, when that happens, I can take a few moments and pray, and carry on.
And for that, I am thankful.